I'm Sorry

I'm sorry for not being able to give you a good life. That was probably why you decided to leave. I have made you miserable from the start. n

I didn't know what was right and what was wrong half way through our relationship. We were so in love from the start with no worries and then I guess suddenly reality kicks in half way throught that I do not know how to react or how to face it. I was really afraid of how your parents would react or accept it and knowing more of how your parents treat you just makes me feel that I'm such a burden to you. 

Going to the airport was probably the biggest mistake to your life even though I did really much want to see you off Ann. When you were back, I was really depress not because of our relationship but because the fear of me can't provide for you. But I did so many mistakes, one after another. I was so depress because I was losing a lot of our future, I lost 10,000 from a bad money investment and have punished myself. I did not pay much attention to you when I got into the business with Ren Yi and the rest and when Amway came, I was too into the money and not into our relationship. 

If I could turn back time, I would have done things differently, even though I can't provide you with money, I can still provide you with love and care and that was what you really want. It's just that I was afraid I can't provide for both of us to live happily, but God knows I just threw away my money into Amway. It was really bad. 

When your parents called again, everything was just so stressful for me as I didn't know how to handle it. I just didn't want you to fail your exams again and all with all the troubles your parents gave you. I went to NY thinking that it was the best for the both of us till you come back from Aussie again cause you can't afford to fail your exams again as I can't pay back to the government (trust me I wish I could free you from your misery and I feel so useless that I can't). I knew I had to do it even though knowing it's going to be tough as I'm going to NYC alone with no friends and I have to dropped you. 

What went worse is I did everything so wrong after that. I didnt know what I was doing when I look back now. I was so stupid. Perhaps I was afraid that your mom won't leave you alone with you contacting me again and so forth and perhaps I have been thinking that I was such a burden for you that you would probably live better without me. 

So the break up happen and I guess I have to accept it. I thought I would wait till you come back from Aussie that we could give ourselves time again to try again, but I guess I didn't know what was coming back then. I even thought of flying to Aussie to see you in Feb/March but I couldnt afford it and was saving money for us. 

But yeah looking back on everythng, for the pass 6-7 years, I wish I have done so many things differently. You definitely taught me a lot in life and you changed me. I didn't know I could love someone so much that until now, I don't know how to get you off my mind. I guess what I said may stick through, you are my first and you will most likely be my last. I don't know who I can love as much or trust as much in my life anymore that I would do what I did to you (minus all the shouting and fighting with you that is). 

I'm sorry once again. deep down inside I wish I could get answers but I know I'm not in the position to ask anymore. I guess I really have to move on, move on alone with I don't know what's install for me. I'm glad you found someone who would take so much good care of you than me. Seeing you smiling with your boyfriend and family does show how happy you are. 

I'm sorry. Take care. 

P.S islu