I'm Sorry

I'm sorry for not being able to give you a good life. That was probably why you decided to leave. I have made you miserable from the start. n

I didn't know what was right and what was wrong half way through our relationship. We were so in love from the start with no worries and then I guess suddenly reality kicks in half way throught that I do not know how to react or how to face it. I was really afraid of how your parents would react or accept it and knowing more of how your parents treat you just makes me feel that I'm such a burden to you. 

Going to the airport was probably the biggest mistake to your life even though I did really much want to see you off Ann. When you were back, I was really depress not because of our relationship but because the fear of me can't provide for you. But I did so many mistakes, one after another. I was so depress because I was losing a lot of our future, I lost 10,000 from a bad money investment and have punished myself. I did not pay much attention to you when I got into the business with Ren Yi and the rest and when Amway came, I was too into the money and not into our relationship. 

If I could turn back time, I would have done things differently, even though I can't provide you with money, I can still provide you with love and care and that was what you really want. It's just that I was afraid I can't provide for both of us to live happily, but God knows I just threw away my money into Amway. It was really bad. 

When your parents called again, everything was just so stressful for me as I didn't know how to handle it. I just didn't want you to fail your exams again and all with all the troubles your parents gave you. I went to NY thinking that it was the best for the both of us till you come back from Aussie again cause you can't afford to fail your exams again as I can't pay back to the government (trust me I wish I could free you from your misery and I feel so useless that I can't). I knew I had to do it even though knowing it's going to be tough as I'm going to NYC alone with no friends and I have to dropped you. 

What went worse is I did everything so wrong after that. I didnt know what I was doing when I look back now. I was so stupid. Perhaps I was afraid that your mom won't leave you alone with you contacting me again and so forth and perhaps I have been thinking that I was such a burden for you that you would probably live better without me. 

So the break up happen and I guess I have to accept it. I thought I would wait till you come back from Aussie that we could give ourselves time again to try again, but I guess I didn't know what was coming back then. I even thought of flying to Aussie to see you in Feb/March but I couldnt afford it and was saving money for us. 

But yeah looking back on everythng, for the pass 6-7 years, I wish I have done so many things differently. You definitely taught me a lot in life and you changed me. I didn't know I could love someone so much that until now, I don't know how to get you off my mind. I guess what I said may stick through, you are my first and you will most likely be my last. I don't know who I can love as much or trust as much in my life anymore that I would do what I did to you (minus all the shouting and fighting with you that is). 

I'm sorry once again. deep down inside I wish I could get answers but I know I'm not in the position to ask anymore. I guess I really have to move on, move on alone with I don't know what's install for me. I'm glad you found someone who would take so much good care of you than me. Seeing you smiling with your boyfriend and family does show how happy you are. 

I'm sorry. Take care. 

P.S islu

Timing

Timing is always crucial, perhaps that's also the most important element in a relationship as well. One of my friends did mention to me before that timing is really crucial that changes a lot of things. 


Looks like once she left for Aussie, a lot of things changed. I went to yellowstone, which made things even harder, then when she is back in Aussie, I had to leave to NYC for the better of us just after 6 months of her back in Malaysia. 


And when I'm back in Malaysia, she had to leave for Aussie. Perhaps that made her really insecure apart from how I treated her when I was in NYC. 


To be honest, me being in NYC made me really confused on a lot of things, the dilemma of her not wasting so much money on calling me have always been puzzling me. And whether me being with her is ruining her life more and more with her mom. 


I guess like what Yi Ping said is true, if I really love her I would want the best for her and if me is affecting her life really badly, with her mom treating her so bad because of me, I think I have to learn how to let  go. The things she told me on how her mom treats me always make me feel that I ruined her life badly. 


As much as I love her and thought that I showed the right love, I guess she feels tired of everything as well and I know I have been a big burden for her. Being at just 22-24, it's definitely really hard for her to take it plus she is studying something that she has no interest in. Her life is definitely being affected a lot. 


It's time for me to really let go and take things on the positive side. I just wish I could see her again one day, just to see how she is. I know he is treating her really well, which I am glad for her. If anything at all her mom rejects him, I believe he is definitely stronger than me to go through it with her.


I really just want to thank Adele for making the lyrics so relational. 
Thanks

Waking Up

Waking up in the morning is the hardest thing ever now in my life. If I could, I really want to sleep my way through forever and ever. 


Just few months ago, I pushed myself to wake up 6-7am in the morning, just so I can get a head start of everyone in life. But now, I don't see a purpose in that anymore. What's worse is at times, I wake up crying, like today.


I just don't get it on so many different levels. Are there a lot of different levels of caring for a person and yet in return it can be that hurt. All the sacrifice, all the memories, all the perseverance and it still end up on the other side of the table. It's just so confusing and depressing. 


Love, loyalty, caring, responsibility, all these which I don't know what is what anymore. Is there even such a thing in life anymore. Going to NY was not an easy choice, as it was for the greater good, but yes I admit I was the one who should still do what I suppose to do when I'm there, but there were fear of putting her what she went through when she was in Aussie. 


I thought when I and she came back, things could be figured out but I was the one who was hoping, when there was never really any hope anymore. 


People said, would it change anything, yes it wouldn't, but no one could understand how much I love her, in a different way, but it wasn't the best way for her I guess. Everything I did was for us but now there is no purpose in whatever I do anymore. Even though I have to climb have a mountain, I'm not sure if I can do it. 


I don't know how much longer I need to really move on, even if I do, I don't think I can put my love for her just a side for so long. It's not being too comfortable of having her around that I am afraid to move on, but it's just my feelings. 


I guess now I understand that if you truly love someone, you just have to let her go, on what's the best for the person. For her life and for her future, someone who can give her a better future....

The 2 Weeks

In a blink of an eye, it's been 2 weeks of the toughest situation in my life. Looking back at memories we had and thinking of how things changed so much along the way, coupled with so many of my mistakes, I just can't stand to see myself for doing so many stupid things before. 


I have no clue anymore, what is right and what is wrong, nor what is caring and what is not. What is for the better of a person and what is consider selfish. So many fine lines between all these grey areas that messes up my mind in the past 2 weeks. 


Sometimes, I wish things would be easier left said and answered rather than always wondering in the dark, what was it really and why. I would really want to know why or how everything changed so fast. The reasons I have faced or read before doesn't seem to apply logically of what is happening now. 


Maybe I just can't let it  go, which is why I'm feeling this way. Watching the movie One Day after seeing it in her favourite quotes, makes me wonder if fairy tales in movies ever do happen in the real world. Would really one day of every year an opportunity to meet the person you care so much about be real? Even if September 15 would be the day, it is also not right to even do so. 


I don't know when I will ever let it go. I would lie to myself if I say I'm not sad. I would like to myself if I don't say how much I miss her and love her still, even though I have neglected her so much previously. What she warned me before is so real now and I only have myself to blame. 


A big part of my life is really blank now, and I have more than half my soul, in knowing what to fight for in my life. At times I do wish God would tell me how long I will have in this world, so that I know how long more I can enjoy my life. 6 years of memories is really hard to let go, yet I have no choice. 


I'm just carrying out what I'm responsible now until I'm not sure when and how things go, cause it just feels really empty anymore. I'm so lost. I thought loyalty was the most important thing, but I know now it's more than that. It really takes more than that. 


I know things will never be the same again, but I just hope I can see her alone again in my life, similarly like how the movie One Day happens. At least I know how things are. She was always been my only best friend and now it had to change so much. 

I wish I could relive memories again by turning back time. But it's just an empty wish. Never knew I will be hit by such a big truck in my life. I wonder if I will ever wake up. 2 weeks and still counting....