Waking Up

Waking up in the morning is the hardest thing ever now in my life. If I could, I really want to sleep my way through forever and ever. 


Just few months ago, I pushed myself to wake up 6-7am in the morning, just so I can get a head start of everyone in life. But now, I don't see a purpose in that anymore. What's worse is at times, I wake up crying, like today.


I just don't get it on so many different levels. Are there a lot of different levels of caring for a person and yet in return it can be that hurt. All the sacrifice, all the memories, all the perseverance and it still end up on the other side of the table. It's just so confusing and depressing. 


Love, loyalty, caring, responsibility, all these which I don't know what is what anymore. Is there even such a thing in life anymore. Going to NY was not an easy choice, as it was for the greater good, but yes I admit I was the one who should still do what I suppose to do when I'm there, but there were fear of putting her what she went through when she was in Aussie. 


I thought when I and she came back, things could be figured out but I was the one who was hoping, when there was never really any hope anymore. 


People said, would it change anything, yes it wouldn't, but no one could understand how much I love her, in a different way, but it wasn't the best way for her I guess. Everything I did was for us but now there is no purpose in whatever I do anymore. Even though I have to climb have a mountain, I'm not sure if I can do it. 


I don't know how much longer I need to really move on, even if I do, I don't think I can put my love for her just a side for so long. It's not being too comfortable of having her around that I am afraid to move on, but it's just my feelings. 


I guess now I understand that if you truly love someone, you just have to let her go, on what's the best for the person. For her life and for her future, someone who can give her a better future....